A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, 'Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days.'
 
The owner says, 'I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal.'
 
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, 'Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in.'
 
The hobo says, 'Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.'

Enjoy your weekend.

So what exactly are polarioids?

After extensive research on the matter I have come to this conclusion.

Polaroids are what you get when you sit on the ice too long!

Come on spring!

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this!   You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

No Retirement plan.

Received this from a friend. Thought everyone would enjoy it.

Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
 
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
 
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
 
'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single idiot or knucklehead anywhere we went today!'

All joking aside - drive careful - the roads are nasty and there are plenty of the aforementioned drivers out there.

Agree or Disagree?

Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.

Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year.

Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.

Obama asks Joe how much it will cost.

Joe immediately says, "$9,500."

"$9,500?" Obama asks, stunned. "But you said it's an easy repair!"

"Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free," explains Joe. "It's always been my philosophy. In fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.' Surprised you haven't heard of it, senator."

In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.

Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing.

The leak under Obama's sink goes unrepaired for the next several days. A week later, the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.

Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says, "Let's see this will cost you about $21,000."

"A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Obama quickly fires back.

Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. "Well, because of the 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free
plumbing I'm doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rise every day.

"Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there's a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put many of my fellow plumbers out of business, and they are not being replaced nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they will not make any money. I'm hurting now too all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share."

Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: "Of course you're hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poor people for your services, you'll be broke, and then what will you do?"

Joe immediately replies, "Run for president, apparently."

Author Unknown

The Jury Is Out

Have a great holiday weekend!

"Boots"

The Silent generation, people born before 1946.

 The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.

 Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

  Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995.


Why do we call the last one-generation Y?  I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new!

So . . . . what do you think of the new international symbol for gasoline in the USA?

So true …

     A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”  

     The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did some other trips for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, out to dinner, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”  

     The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff… church, church, church.”

Bet you never thought about it that way before . . . bu you will now!

OK, now that you have an idea of what 1 trillion dollars is let’s try and figure out how long it would take the average person to spend it. If you spent $1,000 a day it would take you just over 2.7 million years to spend one trillion dollars.

I used to get flabbergasted when the government spent billions of dollars a year on the annual budget. Now I am total blown out of the water when I think of the government spending 3 trillion dollars a year to run this country. What are your thoughts on this (besides saying I have too much free time on my hands to figure out this stuff)?

Jim was in his early 50s, retired from the Marine Corps, and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Jerry, I have to tell you, I like your work  ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know, boss," said Jim, "and I'm working on it."

"Well, good. You're a team player; that's what I like to  see. It's odd, though. You're always coming in late. I  know you're retired from the Marine Corps. What'd they say  when you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good mornin', General.'"

My Darling  Husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small slip up I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.  

Fortunately it's not too bad and I  really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.  

The garage door is slightly  bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when It bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but  I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am  enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms  again.  

Your loving wife.
XXX

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?" 

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He' s hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir." 

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, ut find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"  "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!"

"Merry Christmas, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).   

I learned about these at church this past Sunday:

• I only know the name of two angels: Hark & Harold. (Greg, 5)
• Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. (Olive, 9)
• Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. (Mitch, 7)
• Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. (Dan, 9)
• Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. (Jared, 8)
• What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is is love, they shoot arrows at them. (Sarah, 7)
• Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile . . .

Have a great week!

I received this in an early morning e-mail. Enjoy and have a great day.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember where yo read this..